I have this strange way of looking at my life, where I attempt to find a rhythm, an order or a classification for everything. From the people in my life, to my workload, to my memories. Recently I’ve crossing the streams, so to speak. Trying to find a way to connect completely different classifications.
A teacher of mine once told me that every one of her students represented a different star in her night sky. As new ones came into focus, others faded. There were certain stars in the sky that shone brighter than others, though if you got away from the light pollution of the city, you could see the galaxy in all of it’s splendor.
I like to think of each one of those stars as memories, rather than people. My past, present and future are all made up of a series of memories which make up my night sky. My experience provide me light in the darkness, and I can even navigate by them if I need to.
The last several months a large portion of my thoughts have been on reviewing the memories which have taken residence in my mind. These are moments in time which are frozen at the forefront of my brain. From fractions of minutes, to several hours I can fall into while day dreaming, these are the things which I constantly think about. In spite of how much time has passed, they never fade.
These bright stars in my sky can be made up of anything, a conversation I had with someone, a moment of terror, a moment of triumph, a first kiss, a last kiss. They are colored with Joy, Hope, Sorrow and any strong emotion which spans my entire spectrum.
Just like the bright stars which make up our own sky, if I can link enough of these memories, I can make a constellation. To me, constellations are the important people in my life. From my best friends, to rivals, to mentors and authority figures. Many of them I may or may not be on the best of terms with, or we may not interact that often, but still color my entire life. They’re always in the sky, shining bright and looking over me, guiding my life.
This has been an interesting change in thinking for me, as I’ve always looked at these relationships as fleeting… as something I need to grasp onto a long as possible, that if I don’t seize them I will lose them. The truth is, the constellations will always be there, guiding me. Whether I want them to or not. Once you’ve formed a constellation, it is impossible for you to fade into the background. The memories you formed will never fade.
Recently I’ve tried to move on from one of those constellations, as though some amount of time or distance would help me remove them from my Zodiac. As though if I could keep running, eventually they’ll fade. The best I seem to be able to do is change their position a bit. Even if I isolate myself, close myself off to the world around me, they are still there. Gazing down at me, a fixture in the sky even if I don’t gaze back.
That’s the flaw in my logic… no matter how hard and try, you can’t escape the sky. You just have to recognize that it will always be there, and make peace with the fact that they will always be a part of the patchwork that makes up your view of the heavens. Perhaps someday the stars around them will brighten, and those associated with your pain will dim. This will allow you to form a new constellation. If you try to escape it, no matter how long you run, all you’ll do is look back at those stars and see that they’re still there. It’s better to use them as a measuring stick for how far you’ve come, or landmark to show you how to navigate to where you want to be.